Breathless

It’s happening again.. This heaviness is choking me again.. I can’t breathe..

I still can’t understand where the hell I was wrong. I didn’t say I’m perfect. I didn’t say I’m the best person on the world. But you loved me, and you came back to me. I never ever thought you will come back to me. But you came. I was hopeful about future. A future with you. My world was shining again. I didn’t believe in anything more than us. I wanted to change my life just for being with you. If you will tear my world apart, how can I fight for us? I always tried to stay by your side. I just can’t find the strength anymore.. I’m not strong enough to bring you back. If you go again, I just can’t…

I didn’t love you because of you, I loved you because I feel complete when I’m with you..

If you go, I’ll turn back to my old life. I’ll be half again.. Or…..

I.. just.. can’t breathe…

Midnight Sun

…

After all, it really didn’t matter if I left, because Bella could never see me the way I wished she would. Never see me as someone worthy of love.

Never.

Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would.

“Edward,” Bella said.

I froze, staring at her unopened eyes.

Had she woken, caught me here? She looked asleep, yet her voice had been so clear…

She sighed a quiet sigh, and then moved restlessly again, rolling to her side – still fast asleep and dreaming.

“Edward,” she mumbled softly.

She was dreaming of me.

Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.

“Stay,” she sighed. “Don’t go. Please…don’t go.”

She was dreaming of me, and it wasn’t even a nightmare. She wanted me to stay with her, there in her dream.

I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them.

When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been.

My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, right in the middle of my midnight?

…

Heartless

It was so hard for me, while still loving you and knowing that you love me. But you achieved to get a farewell from me. I thought I won’t see you for a long time. I was trying to be good. I was trying to make my life better. So, when you come back, you were going to see a different and strong person. I was thinking I’m getting rid of the love feeling, or I’m getting used to live with it without pain. But you came back.

Just three days later, you came back and you smiled at me. Like the old days, again I prefered to stay with you instead of the sleep I need. Like the old days, I was happy while talking to you, and I smiled really. But still, something is hurting me. How can you melt my heart and tear me up at the same time? One moment, I’m thinking I won’t stop loving you. Next moment, you say something and my world falls apart, I’m thinking I can’t love again. Next moment, you call me “dear”, next moment you say “maybe in your dream”. Even if it’s joke, it hurts me now.

We are not the same people now. We don’t feel the same like before. Between the love and friendship, between the impossibility and irresistibility of the love, between the pain and happiness of the friendship, can we be like before? Can we be different than now? Can you live without me? Don’t ask me, you already know the answer. But why can’t we stop hurting each other and why can’t we do even a thing for each other?

Soulmate, it means simply “two half of an apple”. Completely opposite but completely looks the same. We are not so different. Maybe you didn’t notice but we feel the same. Our happiness together is the same. We do the same things to each other and we suffer in the same pain. That’s why I believe your love and why I know you’re hurted by me.

Last night, I was in emptiness. I was trying to get used. I was thinking ways to fill my life. I was thinking you will be better without me, and you would want to see me happy. I was going to promise myself to live, to feel that I’m living. And waiting, hoping you to come back one day.

Last night you came. While I was looking at your picture, you came, you smiled, and you talked to me like in old days. Once again I realized I can’t get used. Once again I smiled when I see your smile. Once again I was happy just because of talking to you. But once again, my heart died again.

This morning, I hated everything. I hated the work, I hated waking up, I hated the people, I hated to talk, I hated the love, I hated the life. Once again I feel deeply that I’m tired of life. This morning, I didn’t want to see you for a while. For the first time I didn’t want to see you. For the first time I wanted to live well without you. This morning I hated everything. This morning, I’ve lost my heart.

But, why do I still feel this pain in my throat? Why do I still force myself not to cry?..

 

Eyes see, Hearts love, Souls suffer…

 

New Week Without You

I hate waking up. Because when I open my eyes, I know that you are not there. Thinking about your leaving, and thinking that you won’t come back.. I can’t describe. It’s an intense feeling that eats my heart inside. I don’t want to go  to work, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even want to open my eyes. I don’t want to see the shining sun. Because I know it’s not you. It can’t be bright as you are.

You don’t hate me, do you? I’m living because I know you would want me to live. I don’t know why you’ve gone. But I’m choosing to stay away from you.. I know I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I missed you and I need you like hell. But I’m choosing not to hurt you. I always hurted myself to be able to stay by your side. But, nevertheless, I hurt you. So, be okay without me, my dear.

Eclipse

***

- Well, will you join my mafia? =D

- What kind of mafia name is this? =D

- It is your name. Because, I’m nothing without you.

***

words are flying in her mind. words, touches, kisses, promises.. smiles… the beautiful smile that is impossible not to remember. before, she was remembering intentionally. it was making her happy. each single word she heard, was making her happy. but now, words are only another scar on her heart. she is very much tired to being left behind. this time her bestfriend, the only important person left her. he was the one who said he will never leave, he can never leave..

people live without thinking about the sun. but they see the sun everyday. they look at the eclipse like it’s an amazing event. they don’t worry, because they know the sun will appear again. but, what if one day people wake up and see that the sun is not there anymore? could anyone imagine this? the sun is not on the sky like it supposed to be. no one can see anything. there is no light, there is no color. there is only darkness. the endless darkness.

one day she woke up and saw that the sun is not there. this is not an eclipse. this is the end of the world.

The Poison

her heart is dying with poison. the pain is increasing, the hole is growing day by day. each word she heard from her bestfriend, she falls from the sky. she was living on the clouds, near to sun, in a shining world. now her world is covered by the darkness, she fell from the highness, she is living in the emptiness. the only one word left to say about her; loveless.. her ears are howling, her throat is burning. she waits for death angel to come and take her life. before her dear angel kills her with his absence.. she forgot the taste of the coffee, she forgot the scent of a green leaf, she forgot how she was feeling when she looks at the sky.. she forgot the feeling of the life.. her sun, who gives her all the feelings, has left drastically. the sun left the whole world and pushed everyone into the cruel darkness. the world is living the longest eclipse…

The Pain of Emptiness

she has been thinking. thinking about the answers but she couldn’t even find the questions. she feels like the pain pulls her down. she can’t feel anything but the pain. she missed everything. she missed to see friends, to go on holiday, to walk on the street. she missed to have feelings. she really missed to be happy. she missed her sun, her soul. she missed her bestfriend so damn much..

you have a life. you have a friends, family, hobbies, dreams. you have love. and you are happy despite of everything. because you know you have the strenght to change the bad things someday soon. you are in deep but you know everything will be okay, it supposed to be okay someday.. one day, you meet with someone. in a short time you understand that someone is not like anyone else. he is very different, very precious. can you love someone even though you don’t even see his face? yes, you can, if he has a great soul. you can love a soul even if the person has a girlfriend, even if the person is your bestfriend. but, can you be able to tell your love to anyone? you had different dreams. you want your bestfriend to be in your life forever. but your bestfriend has some other dreams. what would you do? to forget about how awesome he is, how you want him in your life, how you need him and how much you love him, or to forget all about your dreams, your family, your friends, everything you have in where you live.

she was ready to leave. she had a dream, a very big and impossible dream. but she believed. she wanted to make it real. and she was ready to leave everything she had, the friends, the family, the life that she never had. but one day, she met with a great soul. this soul was completing everything in her life. she never knew that she will find someone so sudden that will complete her. she was going to find the real happiness in far lands. but the real happiness found her. she never knew she didn’t smile for real until that time. when she believed she found the real happiness, she also believed that she can make it real. and she gave up on the last thing that left, her big dream, just to be with the man who has a great soul..

things are not going well everytime as we think. we, human beings, have mistakes always. we can’t see the future. we can’t know the certain results of our acts. when problems start, some of us try to solve them, some of us choose to escape..

she can’t remember what happened. she can’t remember where she was wrong. she can’t find the answers because she can’t find the person to ask questions. when she had mind, she always thought that she can see the future. she always acted according to future. but when she found the real love and she’s lost the logic, she became blind. she can’t see anything about her future. neither she can’t feel. since her bestfriend‘s left her, she can’t feel anything but the pain. she is not even in a depression. she is in the emptiness..